Clearing the decks…

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I tend to look at the events of my life in a rather philosophical manner.  Yeah, I’m one of ‘those’ people.  Things happen for a reason, and no, not just because I make stupid or bad decisions, though I am, as we all are, guilty of that from time to time.  I am someone who believes in a higher power, and that this higher power, if we let it, will guide us through our lives if we just…get the hell out of its way.  Not to say I believe in fate, or why should we even get out of bed in the morning, right?

2016, and to a large extent, 2015 has been a giant shit show, not just overall but personally.  Now that isn’t to say it’s been a total loss either, as I have so many things to be grateful for, even for all of the crap that’s happened.  I had a relationship go terminally south and sideways all at the same time.  I had a dear friend become ill with cancer who was dying, only to turn around and go into remission ‘spontaneously’ (there’s a reason for the quotes, but that’s another story all together), I had some issues from my past come back like a steam roller, which due to the nature of them, I cannot and will not go into just yet.  Negotiations there are somewhat delicate so we’ll just leave that alone for now.  Recently, employment changes and an employer who I had been thoroughly enjoying working for, suddenly becoming…less than honest in their dealings with me.   I guess I may find out about that later if I am patient and just leave it alone for now.  I usually do.

The relationship thing…well, like I said, I usually find out the truth of a thing down the road once I let a thing go long enough.  Apparently this past Thursday was the day to find out about that.  We all know what it’s like to be blindsided, but this was unexpected and when you find out you’ve been lied to and betrayed at a very deep and personal level…let’s just say I reacted in a very primal way.  I have since deleted the Facebook post.  Probably for the best.  At the same time, I am starting a new job.  “They” consider these things stressors, and in this case I agree.  I enjoy(ed) my previous job very much, and the circumstances surrounding my involuntary departure (no I wasn’t fired…but it’s complicated) are upsetting and not nice.  To be very blunt, going back to the EMS world wasn’t my first choice.  There are a number of fly by night operators in the area where I live and choosing the right one was sort of like throwing a dart at a board, given my lack of knowledge but I aftera bit of research, I think I got very lucky (Thank you Ryan!) in landing where I did.

I’m feeling a bit twitchy on an emotional level as a result of all of this, but at the same time, I feel like I am clearing the decks, so to speak.  I think maybe it’s time to stop wandering the world and be home for a while, and live a somewhat normal life.  I don’t know where that’s going to lead me, but as my friend Clint asked me, am I at peace with this, and the answer is yes, I am.  It seems to be the right thing right now.  I go with that ‘gut feeling’ on a lot of things and it’s always led me into the right path in life.  Sometimes life hands you the things you need, versus the things you want.

Some of this sort of points to the thing I mentioned that I said I can’t mention…so to speak.  I’ve been getting the feeling that this is getting closer to some kind of resolution, one way or another.  I don’t know which way it’s going to end up.  I know which way I’d like it to end up, but that’s out of my hands.  Time will tell.  But, if all of this clearing of the decks is happening for the reasons I think it is, then perhaps it is heading in the way that I hope it will.

So what’s my point?  Shit happens.  It’s often for reasons we can’t always comprehend while it’s happening, and it often seems unfair, or it seems as if the universe is kicking the crap out of us while we’re down.  I think we need to look deeper than that if we feel that way because sometimes life is handing us valuable lessons, if we can make ourselves open to them.  Hard lessons are the most valuable.  Yes, they make us feel like shit, but those are the lessons that stick.  Complacency kills.  A sword is sharpened when it is rubbed against a stone.  There are some challenges ahead that frankly I think are necessary, and so…forward and onward and eyes open.  Now excuse me while I dust myself off here and pick the gravel out of my teeth…

 

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