I should preface this rant by saying that I don’t, and never will hold myself above anyone else. I’ve also made some pretty horrendous mistakes in my life. It’s part of the human condition. I’ve tried very hard to make amends when that has happened.
Perhaps my expectations of others are too high. Perhaps I believe in the inherent goodness of others…a bit too much. For the most part, that hasn’t disappointed me, but when it happens, it seems to happen in spades.
I’ve never actually thought I would use my blog for this purpose. Part of me hopes it’s not just because I’m trying to avoid a confrontation, but frankly, in this case I don’t believe I am. Mainly because such confrontations with you in previous incidents, haven’t gone well, because you, ‘dear friend’ have convinced yourself of the legitimacy of your action.
Apologies I admit, can be very difficult, and admitting when you’ve wronged someone else, even more so. I think it says a great deal about someone’s character when they can do so. I’m all about second chances, because without them, I seriously doubt I’d be where I am in life.
I’ve done my best to live a life of honor and showing loyalty to those I care about. I haven’t always been so concerned about these things. I had, some years back, a moment of clarity when I realized that I myself had been living a lie…well, for my entire life up to that point. Living that lie, allowed me to be dishonest in small and large ways not only to myself, but also to others. I found it easier to just conceal and obfuscate that which I didn’t want to face up to… because I was living this other great big lie. One lie made it easier to continue to do so to others and even to myself.
Self-deceit is as poisonous, if not more so, than deceiving others. One can manage to convince oneself of nearly anything, including your own self worth, or your value to others in the world, when you begin to fall for your own inner monologue of lies.
That moment of clarity is something I’ll always be grateful for. I vowed from that point on, to never, if it is within my power (it usually is) to engage in self deceit, and the deceit of others. Again, I make no claims to perfection, but I think I’m doing a dam sight better now than a few years ago.
The thing that has been eating at me now for quite a long little time now, is that someone I considered a friend, someone I extended unquestioned loyalty to, someone I trusted implicitly… has been discovered to be a big fat liar by me. Oh yes, and a thief. Not something big, but something that intrinsically has no real value. What’s the problem with that you ask? In and of itself, nothing. It’s something of no value, not money, not gold…nothing. But what that thing represents to me is something completely different.
So I have to ask, ‘dear friend’, does it make you feel better having it? Does it justify your feeling of having deserved it, even though you didn’t receive it, and even though you deprived me of it?
Let me tell you a secret. You haven’t deprived me of anything. I know I deserved it. The sentiment of the person who gave it to me was genuine. I’ll take that one with me. In fact, if having that item makes you feel better…then just keep it. We both know what happened.
You are without honor, and your actions are not that of a friend. You know who you are. That is all.